Brain Dump

Sometimes, I just need to unload the brain.

I'm improving and not. I'm getting better at some stuff and others I'm not getting any better at all. I've been better about keeping the apartment clean and cooking here lately. I only went out once this week and that was with a big group of friends and I only spent $5. I don't feel guilty about that one. However, I think I need to find some ways to make what I eat healthier. Problem is I don't like the taste of half of that sort of food and it takes a long time to make. That's all BS though. I'm sure I could find stuff that I would like that wouldn't take too long. But is the effort of finding that stuff and incorporate it worth it? Are my current eating habits that bad? They're not amazing but I know plenty of other folks who are healthier but eat worse than I do. Am I just fooling myself? (Probably) Am I just saying this because I can't give up my tasty, savory meals? (Yes.) Can I get away with it without giving up the stuff I love? (Possibly.) And when am I supposed to get the time to find out? (Cop-out) Is this my number one priority? (...Maybe.)

I also have two projects that are me, myself and I that I want to move on. One is Tasky Tools, a group of tools to help me (and whoever else wants to use it) keep track of my time, energy, improvement and the like. Building this has a lot of upsides: I learn new technology (now that I've established that I'm gonna try to stay close to the hardware as the Web allows, letting me really learn Web Services, JQuery and the like.) It adds a lot of value as tools that I can use (I know, from previous experience, that I enjoy using tools I make for myself just because I made them.) I can spread the use of these tools to others and hopefully they can get value out of them too. Maybe even monetize someday. I used a lot of parenthetical statements.

I have a problem getting absorbed in threads of discussion that are tangential to what I should be doing. These other things are important too though, so I need a tool to be able to keep track of them and ensure I'm doing the right stuff at the right time. I think a list of 'things to read and do' would be helpful, so long as I continue to attack it every day.

Would TaskyTools work better as a portal? (Possibly, but it makes free deployment impossible. Design Tasky Tools so that they can be later incorporated into a portal more effectively. Research Portal tools? Maybe.)

The other is a SBI site that would explore all of the fun stuff to do in Atlanta and the surrounding area. The idea here is it forces me to get out and learn more fun stuff to do. Stuff like rock climbing, bowling, shooting ranges, bars, clubs, gaming spots, dojos, etc. All the stuff I like to do. Then I can share the value of my research and reviews with others. (This one is definitely an intent to monetize) I like this one a lot because it really forces me to push outside my boundries and really try some new shite. The only problem comes in the funding for this one yet, I don't know if that's even really a huge issue. Can I be successful in this endeavor without much funding? (Probably) Can I seek out funding? (I could but it's a bad idea) There really isn't any reason besides laziness that I haven't gotten into this one.

I've also started gaming more. On the one hand, this is good because it's something I enjoy and it makes me happy. On the other hand, it takes up time and it's not empowering. At least, not the games I've been playing. Like anything else, I need to schedule it in and be diligent about my gaming time. (Yes!)

I think stopping and writing what I should be doing, taking a 10 minute walk and focusing back on what I should be doing will help. Cycle time? Think about this later.

...Time to get back to work...

Intention and Manifestation

I've been playing an old game called Deadlock lately. In this game, there's an alien race called the Cht'cht. Whenever they send you a message, one of the random voices that gets played is this polyphonic female voice saying...

"Here, read this."

This is a blog post by one Steve Pavlina. He blogs on all sorts of self-improvement and growth topics. Some of it is too new-agey for me, but over all I like his stuff.

Go read it, since it's tasty but it makes a lot of sense. I'm not (but that may change) doing it as deliberately as he proposes but I've found myself doing it unconsciously, now that I think about it.

For instance, I want a more active social life with people who make me feel empowered, inspired and whole. I've recently been examining getting a subscription to NetFlix. It wasn't until I read that article that I finally saw something of a connection...

In my experience, a fair majority of shared culture of my generation is bound around movies. That and video games. However, I don't watch many movies and that comes up pretty often. It's rare that someone says, "Oh have you seen movie X?" and I get to say, "Yes." That, and I know I'm an analytical kind of guy and I would have great fun discussing a movie in detail.

So, although sign up for NetFlix never entered into my mind as a actionable step to growing a better social life, yet my brain was like... "You should go do this. You can afford it. It makes sense."

It certainly isn't a sudden and passionate interest in movies but there is an undeniable urging for me to do so. It makes sense that it may be my subconscious's attempt to give me more interesting things to talk about.

A Quarter Century In: A Reflection

Y'know, I'm not sure I remember the point at which I knew I had grown up. It was in high school though, I think. The point comes when you realize that you are in complete control of your life, whether you realize it or not. Every day you have choices. Simple, little, ridiculously powerful and life-altering things.

I have two options in my life: Act or don't act. Everything that ever comes down the pipe falls in to one of those two categories. Either I do something, or I don't. I seize the opportunity, or I let it pass. I make a mistake or I'm smart enough to avoid it. Neither action nor inaction is bad yet, I've come to one inescapable conclusion: I rarely regret mistakes that I make through action and often regret even good things that come via inaction.

Like today. My birthday! A friend offers to take me out since it's my special day and initially, I made an excuse. A valid, entirely rational one. One of the folks I'd be going out with was sick and I made the initial excuse that I didn't think that was a good idea. This was the sort of little, simple and powerful decisions I made that I'm sure I would have regretted. Instead, though, I changed my mind and chose to act. And so I got a free meal, got to mock direct a bunch of waiters and cooks while they sung happy birthday and wear a big, obnoxious sombrero.

Another thing that I'm probably going to regret if I choose not to act is going to see my parents over this weekend. They've offered to pay for everything, food, gas, etc. I'll get home cooked meals and time to relax. I'll spend some time driving, which usually lets me relax. In the grand scheme of things, this isn't a big deal and really doesn't have a huge bearing on my life but would probably be better than hanging around the apartment all weekend. No cost, everything to gain yet I'm almost willing to give it up just so I can not act.

Why is choosing not to act so appealing? Clearly there is something that is pushing me this way. I guess there are times where I've tried to act and it fails. The best way to save myself disappointment is to not act. But which is worse, disappointment or regret? I'm not sure I can give a one hundred percent honest answer to that one.

It's getting late and there's plenty more to write but hey. This is the second day this week I've started writing. Maybe this is a sign of improvements yet to come.

Very much not the best weekend ever

This has got to be among the worst weekends I've ever had. First, I spend Friday and all of Saturday sick. Then I spend all of Sunday at work, still kind of sick, waiting on a co-worker to finish her part of a job, only for her to not get it done. Then I try to finish it up, only to realize she didn't send it all. Now it's three in the morning, I'm having Caffeine shakes and waiting on work clothes to finish.

So, I did good today. I'm trying to eat better, more varied foods. Expand my repitoire a bit. I've always liked food but I've always been boring in my liking food. Only so many different pizzas, burgers and Mexican dishes you can eat before it all begins to blend together. I've laid out a meal plan for this week and while it has some rather significant Mexican (I like Mexican food, so sue me.) tastes to it, it's a little more varied than my usual fare. Fresh chicken, brautwurst, cottage cheese and blue berries were all bought.

That's right, Drew Arrigoni bought fresh fruit and I even used some of them with my cereal this morning. I have called the Four Horsemen. They are on their way.

I also went to the gym today without it being a training day (*gasp!*) and I even pushed myself a little bit. I did ten reps of this full body exercise with 15 lb dumbbells as a warm up. Basically, it's a clean, overhead press and squat pulled into one. I think I'll go up to 20s next time.

I then did chest/triceps a lot. Most of them were pushing 140 lbs, at 4-4-6-8, which is different from what I usually do. John usually has me push a little lower weight at higher reps. Either way, I end up pushing until failure. Then I did triceps extensions at 80 lbs which wasn't bad.

Then I played Musical Interval Training. Spring for the first 45 seconds of a song on your playlist, walk for the remainder of the song. Do thins through 6-7 songs as your workout. Kinda fun although, I have a hard time feeling like I'm sprinting on an elliptical.

I'm also a nerd. I'm gonna be creating a spread sheet to record my training and I even took pre-workout pictures.

Let's see how long that lasts. :P

Apparently this is becoming a chronicle of my screwed up sleep schedule. I even worked out today by going to Aikido. Luckily, tomorrow I can come home from work and crash. Saturday is going to be a full day.

Y'know. I have my bouts of up and down. I fail a lot and win occasionally. Yet, I always eventually find some perspective. Simple fact of the matter is that my life is decent right now. Just need to keep at it.

I've figured out the pattern, pretty much. Whenever I don't exercise, I can't get to sleep at night. I didn't exercise today, so I'm up till 3 in the morning watching "Quarterlife." It's a web series about a bunch of people about my age having problems.

You have all the stereotypes, really. The artistic guy who is trying not to sell out his passion. The meathead guy who just doesn't quite understand how people tick. The girlfriend who breaks up with her boyfriend and descends into depression. Etc. etc. etc.

I've almost got a Waxing Philosophical at Night post in the works here about why stories, TV and the like are so alluring. But, really, it all comes down to the fact that those are stories. Maybe when I'm not so tired, I'll write it up . I may actually be allowed to sleep soon.

Things Will Happen

I have several blogs now. This makes the fourth. Each has a different purpose and I'm crazy enough to want to seperate them for different purposes. One is for my own self-hating-emo-ranting-brainrage. That one is for me to have an anger release. Anger Happens.


I have another one that I don't update that often that is there for my career. I write software. I'm not too shabby at it either. However, my career is... Plateaued right now. My career will happen though.

I have another that is mostly for drunken (or sober) philosophizing. I think in strange, abstract ways. I don't have many people who like talking about these things with me so this is my release. Drunkenness and Philosophy happen.

And this one. This one is for a different purpose altogether. This one is a life release. I don't really have someone who I can really just unload my life on. So, instead, I'll unload it onto this blog.

Life happens.